Neurodivergent: A non-medical term that describes people whose brains process information differently than most people. An umbrella term that refers to the natural variation in how people think, learn, and foster mental health. It’s important to note that not everyone will be the same in life, and get used to the fact that it’s completely okay. I think now’s the time for me to share my story. I grew up neurodivergent. To be more specific, I grew up with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When I look back on my childhood, I remember being a hard worker, only for an outcome that barely reached average. I remember tireless nights as a teen working on assignments, only to receive news the following morning that I misunderstood the instructions, would have to take a bad grade and try again next time. I remember the daily little “I forgot” shenanigans that would drive my family absolutely crazy! I remember the feeling that I was different somehow. I remember trying to understand why things seemed to go so much smoother for my peers in grade school. Trying to understand how my card always ended up on red. How I always ended up in high-stress situations. Why I couldn’t seem to connect with others my age. Why I just couldn’t seem to get it right. And eventually, these struggles led me to change the way that I interacted with the world around me. I decided to try not trying. Anything that had even an inkling of not working out, I steered clear of it and pretended like I didn’t care. And this my friends is how Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can effect you when it’s not fully understood.
What it’s like:
Attention Deficit Disorder: a developmental disorder marked by persistent symptoms of inattention and/or hyperactivity and impulsivity that interfere with functioning or development. My experience with ADD has mostly been inattention. But I’ve also struggled with impulsivity. More specifically, getting really interested in an idea or passion, then eventually forgetting all about it due to something completely new. I know. Scary. ADD has mostly affected the education aspect of my life. Everything else is affected on a smaller scale.
Listen, I wish I could say that I’ve figured it all out. Really. But the truth is that there’s always something to learn about how to best accommodate myself and make sure I’m set up for success. I honestly don’t think that things are better or worse than they were as a kid. I just feel like things are different. I’ll give three examples of how I’ve seen adult ADD differ from kid ADD.
Frustrating then, Concerning now:
Growing up, I think I had more of this “mad at the world“ attitude. I was quick to get angry and shut down when someone would ask me what college I was planning to go to, or what I thought about that last history exam. I thought that all my teachers subtly disliked me and gave less effort when grading my work. I had decided to distance myself because everyone was “mean”. I kept to myself because it felt safer. No sleepovers, no birthday parties, no sports game events. Just me and family. Even though I felt lonely at times, for the most part I was pretty content. But looking back, I think I forced myself to be.
Today, that’s not quite my reality. I’m really grateful that it’s not. Although I have my skeptical moments, I’m way more open to having a social life now. Lately, I’ve been mustering up the courage to go to this weekly young adults group at a local church near me, and have even hosted a cute little movie night with one of my college friends recently. For the very first time EVER. But as far as the other areas in my life, I feel more concerned than mad.
Even today, I would probably still consider school to be an absolute catastrophe. I’ve been a college student for quite some time. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve gained a lot of patience and diligence in college. Even though I obviously started out reaching for a bachelors degree, I’ve decided to work towards a certificate for now. The reason that this is concerning to me is because things could get complicated when pursuing a career. I’m a business owner, which I’m really proud of. However, this hasn’t become my career yet. In the meantime, I’d really like to have one. Because I have such a unique combination of college experience, I’m not sure exactly where or how to pursue a career. Looking at my credit hours, the time I’ve spent in college surpasses the amount that’s equivalent to a bachelors degree. It’s just not a bachelors degree. You get my dilemma? I am reading books and learning from experts about things like this to get some insight, but still. It’s concerning.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg for me, but I’m not writing a novel. So let’s move on haha.
Intense then, Gentle now:
The way I look at ADD obstacles currently, is a far cry from how I looked at them in the past. I’m sure that’s due to how different life is now. Had you asked me even just a couple years ago about ways that ADD has affected my life, I probably would’ve described it all as similar to a house burning down. Part of all the stress was due to me trying so hard to keep up with everyone else. Trying to impress those that I looked up to. Not knowing that I could’ve been much better off going at my own pace with life and following the path God designed for me. I believe the reason I’ve been in school so long in the first place is because I’ve never tried being a part-time student until now. I would stack class on top of class every semester because I was so focused on “keeping up”, and it definitely hurt me in the long run. Both emotionally and situationally (I share my testimony in July 5th’s post). No wonder things felt more intense.
I’m glad to say that I’ve learned a little from all of that chaos. I’m not only a part-time college student, but also an online college student. It wasn’t an option for me to give up on college education. Since middle school, it was my dream to pursue college ed. I just knew I had to change something because my caseload was overbearing. Things are more on my own terms now, which relieves me of so much stress. I’m not gonna lie, the fact that I’m not working towards a bachelors degree right now makes me feel upset at times. I have to remind myself that even though it may not look like it on paper, I’m highly educated. It’s been my goal to remain confident in this. So even though I haven’t earned exactly what I planned to, I’ve chosen to do what’s best for me. You could say it’s been a compromise, but life is more gentle to me because of it.
Confusing then, Layered now:
At the beginning of the post, I remember stating that as a kid, I was always trying to figure things out. That’s because I had no clue what ADD was until we started looking into medication. Even after that, I was quite confused. I learned overtime that ADD lots of times comes with forgetfulness and a short attention span. But I wasn’t aware that it could also come with social struggles or be linked to anxiety & depression until adulthood. Of course today, I’m much more in the know about the symptoms. Knowledge is not the problem anymore. The problem now is that in order to manage my ADD without medication, I need to change my lifestyle. More specifically, change my eating, improve how active I am, and stay on top of my mental health. Those things have been super difficult to keep up with lately. I’ve been pretty inconsistent. Which is why would consider the process a marathon rather than a sprint.
Final Thoughts:
I’m not going to exaggerate and say that every single thing in my life has been awful because of ADD. I’m also not going to sugarcoat and say that I haven’t had any problems due to ADD. My life is good and always has been. Not perfect, not horrible. Good. Every one of us have things to work through in life, and one of my things happen to be ADD management. Managing the disorder hasn’t been easy, but I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and I’m looking forward to seeing how far I’ll go. ADD hasn’t kept me from reaching goals and working towards the life that I want. I’m still here. Working hard but also enjoying life. In the same way that people have internship opportunities after college, I’ve networked my way to some pretty cool learning environments myself. I just didn’t get there the same way that others did. I think the hardest times for me to manage ADD is when I’m comparing myself to those who don’t have it and don’t have the same hardships. So, I should probably stop doing that haha. Anywho, I plan to keep growing in every way that even crosses my mind. When I reach my goal as a full-time writer, entrepreneur and freelance worker, I’ll be an example of having a story that isn’t common, but still ends in success.
This is absolutely the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with the public about anything haha. I felt like it was necessary though. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I hold this topic very close to my heart. Not only was the process of writing this freeing and therapeutic for me, but was also a chance for me to possibly be an inspiration to someone else.
You don’t have to be diagnosed with ADD/ADHD to be able to relate. Maybe you feel out of place in your social life. Maybe you feel like you should be farther with school/work. Or maybe you’re simply a late bloomer. I want to be an example that all of it is totally okay. The way that you function in the world has nothing to do with your value or how much you can accomplish. It’s the effort that you put into life, and the wisdom that you get out of life that really matters. Do not stop showing up for the life that you want. Learn from your past mistakes, learn from those that love you, and learn from experts around you. Whew! Ya’ll this one came from the gut.
Could you relate to anything I wrote about in this post? If so, I’m happy to hear your story! If you couldn’t relate, I’d still love to hear from you. Let me know what you found interesting about the story I shared. Anyways, I hope that you got therapy session/ TED Talk vibes from this one, because I sure did. As I’m figuring out my blogger groove I’ve considered scheduling my posts for once a month. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments. Until next time, blog buddies! 😉